Only villains do that an.., p.1
Only Villains Do That: An Isekai Adventure, page 1
BOOK 1
D. D. WEBB
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without prior written permission from Podium Publishing.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living, dead, or undead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2024 by D. D. Webb
Cover design by Dalia and Sam
ISBN: 978-1-0394-5781-2
Published in 2024 by Podium Publishing
www.podiumaudio.com
Contents
1 In Which the Dark Lord Technically Doesn’t Push a Girl in Front of a Train
2 In Which the Dark Lord Bends Over Backward
3 In Which the Dark Lord Has the Run of the Place
4 In Which the Dark Lord Lets His Little Light Shine
5 In Which the Dark Lord’s Home is His Castle
6 In Which the Dark Lord Meets the Gang
7 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Walk in the Woods
8 In Which the Dark Lord Goes to Town
9 In Which the Dark Lord Makes a Friend
10 In Which the Dark Lord Immediately Unmakes a Friend
11 In Which the Dark Lord Dresses for the Part
12 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Level in Bard
13 In Which the Dark Lord Experiences the Horror of Self-Awareness
14 In Which the Dark Lord Plans Ahead
15 In Which the Dark Lord is Responsible for a Workplace Safety Violation
16 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Down to Business
17 In Which the Dark Lord Plays With Fire
18 In Which the Dark Lord Meets His Match
19 In Which the Dark Lord is Brought to Justice
20 In Which the Dark Lord Brings Refreshments
21 In Which the Dark Lord Ministers to the Poor
22 In Which the Dark Lord Pets the Dog
23 In Which the Dark Lord Wheels and Deals
24 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Cooking
25 In Which the Dark Lord Unilaterally Declares Naptime
26 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Hot and Steamy with Aster
27 In Which the Dark Lord Almost Makes a Spectacle of Himself
28 In Which the Dark Lord Chews the Scenery
29 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Played
30 In Which the Dark Lord Takes the Kids to the Park
31 In Which the Dark Lord Takes Baby Steps
32 In Which the Dark Lord Lights Up the Town
33 In Which the Dark Lord Hangs Out with the Boys
34 In Which the Dark Lord Attempts to Civilize the Natives
35 In Which the Dark Lord Stews in His Own Juices
36 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Cornered
37 In Which the Dark Lord Brings Down the House
38 In Which the Dark Lord Repaints a Barn
39 In Which the Dark Lord Has Breakfast at Dusk
40 In Which the Dark Lord Baits the Hook
41 In Which the Dark Lord Pokes the Bear
42 In Which the Dark Lord Hunts for More Bears to Poke
43 In Which the Dark Lord Takes Responsibility for Once
44 In Which the Dark Lord Needs a Nap
45 In Which the Dark Lord Sends a Message
46 In Which the Dark Lord Lets the Hate Flow Through Him
47 In Which the Dark Lord Breaks and Enters and Breaks
48 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Leap of Faith
49 In Which the Dark Lord Shows a Lady a Good Time
50 In Which the Dark Lord Rises
About the Author
1
In Which the Dark Lord Technically Doesn’t Push a Girl in Front of a Train
Ugh, I wish the train would come. One of these smelly otaku is going to grope me; I just know it. You wouldn’t believe what I’m seeing, Keiko! One of them is carrying a body pillow! Yes, with an anime character on it. I know! This is why I hate coming to Akihabara.”
If she wasn’t so annoying, the spectacle she was making of herself—talking on her phone at the top of her lungs—might have made me nostalgic for California, where that kind of behavior is tolerated. You don’t make a scene on a train platform in Japan.
“Oh my god, one of them is staring at my ass,” the annoying girl notified Keiko in a stage whisper that projected beautifully across the platform. “I swear, if he comes any closer I’ll scream.”
Nobody here was carrying a body pillow. I’d worked in Akihabara for two years and never once saw somebody do that, and I have seen some shit. This girl was a walking gyaru caricature, from the school uniform tucked and pinned into a stripper outfit to the platinum-bleached hair and over-the-top makeup.
“Wait, don’t go, Keiko!” the gyaru whined. “I’m all alone here and—oh, fine, I understand. Bye. Bitch,” she added in a tone just slightly lower after ending the call. The motion of tucking her phone into her tiny purse caused her to turn slightly to her left, which brought the nearest cluster of fellow travelers—including me—into her view. Most of the normal people who had the misfortune to get stuck in this crowd were politely pretending the rude idiot didn’t exist, as normal people do. I was the only one staring right at her.
“What are you looking at?” she snapped, glaring back at me.
“I’d need a team of anthropologists to answer that question.”
She looked shocked, and someone nearby muffled a laugh, though of course most were continuing to politely ignore the spectacle. You’re also not supposed to snap back at rude people in Japan. Man, I couldn’t wait to make the move to San Diego. One more year of saving …
“Fucking otaku,” the girl sneered, roughly shoving the phone the rest of the way into her purse and turning away with her nose stuck in the air in the same violent motion.
That, despite my determination not to give the bitch the satisfaction, brought a scowl to my own face. I can put up with a lot, but lumping me in with those losers was going too far. At that moment the voice over the PA system announced the imminent arrival of the train, though, and I bit my tongue. No point in getting into it now. She wasn’t worth the trouble anyway.
Immediately to my right, a guy stepped forward and bent over. He was clearly one of the special-edition hunters, carrying a shopping bag with a square bulge the exact size of the stupid game I’d been handing out all day, his t-shirt featuring one of the characters from it. Chubby fellow, not quite to the point of being obese, unkempt hair in need of a trim. And, to judge by its greasy sheen, a wash.
“Excuse me,” the chubby boy said to her, straightening up. “You—”
“Ugh,” she growled, stepping in the other direction without looking at him. “Don’t talk to me, creep.”
He actually reached toward her. “I’m sorry, but—”
“Get away,” she squawked. “Don’t touch me, pervert! I’ll scream!”
She had sidestepped as far as she could without plowing into a mixed crowd of salarymen and scruffy nerds, avoiding eye contact with Fat Boy. Thus, she’d managed not to see the object he was trying to hold out—her phone. She must have dropped it when trying to put it away and snarl at me at the same time.
The otaku froze in panic, all his stunted social impulses put into conflict. He stood there, holding out her phone, failing to catch her eye, and now he was afraid to speak to her again. I couldn’t help feeling for the guy, though personally I wouldn’t have bothered. Why go to the trouble for the sake of such a worthless excuse for a human? I’d have just given it to the next station employee, if not tossed it in the trash. Well, there were only seconds before the train arrived, so unless he screwed up his courage and she suddenly developed some common sense, they were both out of luck.
I couldn’t say what moved me, except that after a long day at a job I hated I was even more tired of everybody’s shit than usual. Before I even thought about it, I found myself stepping forward and plucking the phone from his hand. The tubby guy was too surprised to resist, instead turning to gape at me as I held up the phone.
“Look at that,” I said loudly, “she didn’t even lock it. Hey, how much you wanna bet she’s got nudes on here?”
He stammered helplessly, but the gyaru turned to look. The expression on her face was the most satisfying thing I’d seen all day.
“My phone,” she shrieked, her voice rapidly climbing as she pointed dramatically at me. “He stole my phone!”
“No, you stupid bitch,” I retorted, raising my voice. I’m not much for yelling, especially in public, but with everyone turning to stare at this spectacle, I wanted to make it clear what had really happened. “You dropped your phone. This guy was trying to return it to you while you were cursing at him for it. If you don’t have the basic sense to look after your things, at least try not to be an asshole to people who are just trying to be nice to you. I don’t even know why anyone would bother.”
By public standards of behavior, mine was at least as bad as hers now, but … screw it. Sometimes you’ve gotta rub someone’s nose in their own stupidity.
I tossed the phone to her before she could begin shouting again, already turning away. That meant I only caught the amusing spectacle of her fumbling to catch it out of the corner of my eye, but so be it. I was done with th
The next second, though, gasps and a couple of shouts from the onlookers made me turn back, just in time to see her stumble toward the edge of the platform. The phone bounced from her hands, arcing out over the tracks, and the fool lunged after it, realizing her mistake too late. She was already screaming and pinwheeling her arms as she lurched into space.
And that, of course, was the moment the train arrived. Slowing as it prepared to stop, but we were close to the end of the platform in the direction it was coming from. It wasn’t going to be slow enough.
It was strange how time seemed to slow down when you were staring at an onrush of tragedy. Even as my own pulse spiked in my throat, it seemed as if the girl was soaring out over the tracks in slow motion. It couldn’t possibly have taken more than a split second to hit her, but I had plenty of time for my whole chest to tighten and to think about how the effect was just like a movie, how I’d read that the human brain did this when it was in extreme danger, and how as much as I had despised the stupid brat I hadn’t wanted to kill her. In that frozen moment all I could feel was crushing guilt.
Then the moment passed, and she didn’t die, and I was left very confused. More relieved than I wanted to admit, but mostly confused.
I stared at the girl for a few more seconds before I was really willing to believe what I was seeing. She hung there, mid-fall, suspended in the air off the edge of the platform, right in front of the train. As if she were frozen in time.
In fact, so was the train. So was everything. The station had gone dead silent, I realized, which was chilling. Nothing in the vicinity of Tokyo is ever silent. People thronged the platform like statues, the closest in various poses of shock as they’d been caught in the process of seeing the girl fall, while others farther back could have been a painting of any crowd of Akihabara travelers waiting for a train.
Suddenly, I was alone in a frozen world.
“Huh.”
Almost alone. I whirled at the voice and found the fat guy from before still moving. Actually, he was in the process of testing our new situation by poking a salaryman in the shoulder. It apparently wasn’t hard to move the frozen people, to judge by how far he was able to tip the guy.
“Force equals mass times acceleration,” I said, and he jumped violently. Apparently he hadn’t noticed I was still alive either. “We’re moving incredibly fast relative to anybody else here. That’s probably gonna leave a hell of a bruise.”
“Oh,” he said nervously, and very gently tried to move the salaryman back into position, doubtless making it worse. “Sorry.”
I sighed, turning in a full circle to take in the uncanny sight. “What the hell is going on here?”
“Everyone’s frozen in time,” my chubby fellow survivor said.
“Bullshit. That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Well, look around you!”
“Light has to move for us to see, dumbass. If time was frozen, light wouldn’t travel and we’d be blind. Also, just moving through the air would be like getting sandblasted from the friction.”
“Oh,” he said again, peering closely at me. “Are … you a physicist?”
“No, I’m a musician,” I said, annoyed and well aware that my store clerk uniform told a different story. But whatever; that was just a job I had, not who I was. “But I paid attention in school instead of daydreaming about anime tits. I don’t know what this is; all I know is it doesn’t make sense. Are we the only ones?”
“Good question,” he agreed, then raised his voice. “Hello! Can anyone else hear me?”
Silence.
“Anyone?” he repeated.
“I guess that answers that,” I said, grunting. “I wonder why the effect skipped the two of us.”
“Maybe there’s something special about us!”
I could see the dawning hope shining in his eyes, as if this was one of his video games and we were the chosen ones. A scenario like that had to be the lifelong dream of an otaku. Best to crush that before he started acting really weird.
“There is nothing special about anyone,” I snapped. “The universe is random unfeeling chaos, and humans are just a particularly aggressive species of upright monkey. Don’t go looking for purpose in this. The question now is, what are we doing to do?”
We looked at each other, and then away at the immobilized world all around us. I turned in a complete circle, just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. Nope. Creepy frozen train station.
Fat Boy cleared his throat. “Well, uh. I’m Shinonome Yoshi.”
I don’t care. I didn’t say that, though; if he was the only other person awake in … How far did this extend? The station? Akihabara? Tokyo? The world? I obviously needed to know what to call my new companion, even if he was just a hopeless otaku.
“Omura Seiji,” I introduced myself curtly.
“It’s nice to—”
“We’d better go look around, see how far this extends,” I said, turning back toward the station’s entrance.
“Wait!”
I turned and gave him an impatient look. He was pointing back at the edge of the platform, where the girl was still suspended in the air in front of the train.
“Omura-san, aren’t you forgetting something? We need to save her before we do anything else!”
Oh. Actually, I had forgotten, to my extreme embarrassment. I hate being embarrassed. My instinct is always to cover it up with cockiness.
“Why?” I asked, looking past him at the hanging gyaru with a smirk.
His expression was satisfyingly shocked. “Wh— She could die! What if time starts up and she’s still hanging there? This is a chance to save her!”
“Oh, please, were you listening? Why is the world better off with her in it?”
The poor guy stared at me in outraged horror. After a moment, he started stammering incredulously.
“Relax, Yoshi, I’m kidding,” I finally said. I patted him on the shoulder as I stepped past. “I guess you’re right; it’s no good leaving her there when it costs nothing to rescue her. I’d feel bad if time started up again and she got splattered. Hm … This might be tricky.”
She was just past the edge of the platform, frozen in the act of leaping forward; the only part of her still within easy reach was one foot, which was down nearly at platform level. Even that we would have to really stretch to grasp. I knelt at the edge and started to reach toward her leg, but had a thought and withdrew my hand.
“When you touched that guy, did anything happen?” I asked, looking up at Yoshi, who had come to stand next to me. “I mean, did it feel different from normal?”
“Actually, yeah.” He frowned, thinking. “It was weird. It felt almost like he was … stuck in jelly.”
“Jelly.”
“Or glue, or … Like there was some force holding him in place. It wasn’t too powerful. I could push him through it, but he definitely had more inertia than normal.”
“Makes sense,” I agreed, standing up. “It’d take something like that to keep her from falling … Well, that’s no good. If she’s gonna be hard to move, we just don’t have much leverage with the only part of her we can reach. We’d need to touch her near the top.”
He sighed, studying the girl. The way her body was angled, she was well out of reach from the knees up, with her arms stretched forward trying to catch her phone. I couldn’t help but wonder whether this was worth the hassle. This was not someone who was any use to society after all. I snuck a glance at Yoshi’s determined expression and said nothing, though. Tubby nerd though he was, there was no telling how long I’d be stuck with nobody else for company.
Besides, I suppose you can’t just let someone die, no matter how worthless they are.
“I think I can reach her hair,” he said, “if I stand at the very edge of the platform and lean out. If you’ll stand back and hold my other hand for balance, I should be able to pull her in.”
“You wanna yank a girl by her hair? Ouch.”
